This morning as I was doing my journaling I realized that most of my “conscious” adult life I have focused much of my energy and time on what I can improve in my life.
I analyze how I can “make things better” that I completely lose sight of what is working in my life.
Have you ever done something really great but ended up focusing on the one mistake you made and how you could have done things better? I do it all the time.
I have a challenging time giving myself credit for where I am, what I’ve accomplished, how far along I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, how amazing I am…and instead I focus on the negatives.
“I should have done it this way, that would have made it better, I shouldn’t have said that, I can’t believe it happened that way”…on and on and on the chatter continues until it drains every bit of joy out of me.
It’s as if I have a permanent nagging voice that continuously tries to spoil all my happy moments. I feel like I am always paranoid that the “dark” side of me is going to somehow sabotage whatever good I’ve got going on, like two opposing forces, the good me and the evil me. Is this what meta-physicians mean by creating separation?
I get so tired of going around and around in circles that sometimes I would rather just not Dream Big or get excited about the possibilities – afterall, I think to myself, I’ll just end up sabotaging my own success, focusing on what I could have done better, and worrying about what people thought about me.
Eventually the happy moments begin to fade away. The voice of the critic within me overwhelms my thought patterns and all I’m left with is “What can I do to make things better? How can I improve my life?” the cycle begins again…urghhhh.
WTF?!
So I’ve decided that it’s time to put an end to this crazy cycle. This week I’m going to focus on appreciating and enjoying my every moment without judging it or trying to make it better.
Sure there are some circumstances I’d like to change, but that shouldn’t diminish who I am today and the joy I feel in this very moment. By focusing on “being” rather than “doing” I am able to see that everything is perfect in this moment.
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