I haven’t shared much about my past, but I will tell you that it wasn’t the best experience. Although I had a loving mother, my relationship with my father was strained. I don’t like to focus on “my story” so that’s where I’ll leave it for now.
I grew up in a very small town in the southernmost tip of Texas, about 10 miles north of the border of Mexico. When I turned 15, I guess my hormones kicked into high gear and I started rebelling against my overbearing father. Initially it was just me lashing out at him (in silence of course).
Soon I became bulimic and anorexic. I went from my healthy 115 pound frame to 89 pounds in a matter of a few months. It wasn’t until I realized I had a big bald spot on the top of my head that I quickly snapped out of it. I definitely would prefer to be healthy and hairy than frail and bald.
At about that time I began to venture into Mexico’s frontera. In Mexico, the drinking age is 15, so naturally I decided to go to Mexico and drink. My first time there I drank so much I don’t remember how I got home. Luckily I was with my much older cousin and she managed to get me home in one piece.
From that point on I made it a habit to go to Mexico every Friday and Saturday. I was the first one at the club (.50 cent drinks up until 9:00 pm) and the last one to leave. I hate to admit it but I was an alcoholic. I guess I was more of a social drunk because I didn’t generally drink during the week, just on weekends. I didn’t know when enough was enough.
As I grew older I became addicted to one bad relationship after another. I kept attracting men that were unavailable, angry, unwilling to commit, and most didn’t respect or value me. I medicated my pain, my loneliness and my anger with alcohol. The vicious cycle kept repeating itself and I didn’t know how to stop it.
About 3 years ago I was fed up with a man who’d been living with me. As I look back, I realized he’d been using me, verbally abusing me, and he definitely didn’t respect me. I asked him to move out.
At that time I had just began to learn more about how attract what I wanted in my life (Law of Attraction). I focused on what I wanted and how I would feel if I got it. Within 10 days of my visualizing my peaceful home, my relationship ended. Within 30 days I attracted my husband – the actual person I’d been visualizing.
I then went on to explore this law of attraction even more and met Suzanne, a dear friend and energy healer. With her help I easily and effortlessly released my drinking habit. Within a matter of a few months I didn’t even crave a drink.
I was now in a wonderful relationship and alcohol free. I knew that my destructive behaviors were based on how I felt about myself. I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t like myself very much. I carried a lot of guilt, anger and unforgiveness that was eating away at my soul.
A few months back I did a very successful forgiveness exercise where I released much of those emotions that had been running my life. There was one thing that I still hadn’t been able to conquer – my weight.
About 2 years ago I started to gain weight. I felt helpless. I’ve never had a weight issue and it just seemed strange to have that extra weight on me. I tried EVERYTHING. Nothing seemed to work because I kept gaining a pound here and a pound there.
I have been wanting to transition into a raw food lifestyle for about a year now, but couldn’t muster up the willpower to just do it. Again, when I failed, I felt guilty – I just wanted to kick myself in the ass for not being strong enough to stick to it.
Then today something wonderful happened. I was doing some inner work and I discovered that my eating habits and lack of willpower to eat healthier were just another way I was punishing myself. I saw the whole vicious cycle right before my eyes.
It started with the eating disorders, then I adopted alcohol, then with that came the destructive relationships and now my health.
I felt like the alcoholic or drug addict that exchanges one form of “bad behavior” for another. Sort of like when an addict stops smoking weed, they suddenly become an avid smoker.
I saw myself clearly. I realized that I had just picked up a different behavior to affirm how I felt inside. In that instant I knew that I was onto something big and my life will never be the same again. This is the breakthrough that I needed.
It’s not about the food, the drinks, and the relationships. It is all about my relationship with myself. Now that i can see clearly I can be honest with myself, love myself and make better choices as a result.
It’s like Maya Angelou says, “When you know better you do better.” Well now I know better.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
One word, “WOW!” This post is hardcore. I guess that’s required and apart of being honest with yourself so that the healing process can begin.
Brandon
Absolutely – if you don’t take time to time to acknowledge it, then you’ll never be able to begin healing.